Spirit Animal Guide to the NFL Division Playoffs

My pal Mark’s Spirit Animal Guide only earned him a 1-3 record last week, but he got the most unlikely game right: the Tebow game. And as we all know, that’s pretty much all that counts these days. So let’s do this thing again:

49ERS VS. SAINTS

Mark: This week, the charitable Saints take on the rugged, gold diggin’ 49ers. As the collection plate gets passed around the pews, watch the shifty Niners pan gold right out from under the Saints. Niners win.

Justin: Growing up a Dodgers fan in southern California, I was given a hard time by Giants fans when I moved up north. 99% of those Giants fans like the 49ers, so you’ll never see me picking them to win a playoff game. Plus, the Saints are going to stomp them anyways.

BRONCOS VS. PATRIOTS

Mark: The Broncos broke a godly gift horse named Tebow. The Patriots will have a tough time slowing down this equine stampede with their big stars and bars. Broncos may end up changing their mascot to the WarHorses.

Justin: I’d love to see the Broncos win this game, but it’s unfathomable that it could actually happen. I’d end up feeling bad for Tom Brady and Bell Belicheck, which would surely be a foreign feeling.

TEXANS VS. RAVENS

Mark: The Texans are back with their larger-than-life state pride. This time they face the Ravens, arguably the smartest birds of the magical avian realm. I’ve personally never seen a Texan bend a paper clip into a hook to earn a delicious treat. This game is goes to the crows all the way.

Justin: My grad school sports journalism teacher, Lester Munson, pretty much convinced me that Ray Lewis is a murderer. So I make a point to root against the Ravens at all times. Still, there’s little doubt in my mind that they’ll win this, even though I’d prefer a loss. Ravens win.

GIANTS VS. PACKERS

Mark: Too many jokes come streaming in: Giant Packers, Pack a Giant one… I just picture the original Giant – Andre. Imagine some cheddar packing guys from Wisconsin trying to battle that big ass dude. Ain’t happening. The Giants shall crush those curd skulls.

Justin: The Curd Skulls shall crush the Giants. But… if the Packers somehow lose this game, the Giants will continue all the way to the Super Bowl and win it all. Whoever wins this game will win it all.

Or is it “whomever?”

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